I am a hypochondriac.  It is because I don't take very good care of myself.  Therefore, as soon as something happens, I know it is my fault.  Because I let my self get fat, I have diabetes.  Because I don't wear sunscreen often enough, that zit is skin cancer, etc.  To be clear, I have not been diagnosed with either diabetes or skin cancer, but part of me feels like it is imminent... Now, exiled from my life and most of my excuses for not having the time,  I find myself in a wierd place where I am confronting my self care from a new direction.

I found myself aking myself, "Self, if you were in charge of taking care of someone else in your situation, what would you do for them?"  Healthy food and exercise were tops, of course.

I went to church yesterday and the sermon was in invitation to a holy Lent.  The preacher reminded us that Lent was our way of stepping into the Wilderness and clearing ourselves of distractions.  What things are in the way of our relationship with the divine?  What clutter can we get rid of?  What are we lacking?  I was immediately struck with my situation as a time of exile in the desert (albeit Mission Hills in Rancho Mirage, but nonetheless, exile).  Now that I have been forced out of my life, what can I do to prepare myself for returning?

Health and self-care are the initial answer.  So, I'm off for a walk in the desert. Where will it lead?

Ash Wednesday

It’s been about a year since I graduated from college.  So, I’ve been reflecting on the experience.  I went back to school to finish my degree in 2008.  My son, for whom I had quit my job to stay home and parent, was 6 and in first grade.  So I had the time.  The fact that I did not have my degree really bothered me.  It was my Big Regret.  My husband was encouraging, so I did it.  I jumped into the classroom again.  I majored in Religious Studies because as a wise person pointed out to me:  I was a grown up and a parent.  I had Big Responsibilities.  I was going to be studying and writing papers when I was tired and fed up.  I needed to pick something that was inherently interesting. I am so glad I chose that major.  I know that it doesn’t translate into a clear job path, but it was absolutely enthralling.  Sometimes (often really), it was tough sitting down to work, but once I did, the subject took over and I was able to keep going.

When it came time to graduate, I wasn’t sure if I would go through the whole graduation thing.  I considered skipping it.  I am so glad that I did. My husband and my son came with me.  My husband was super excited and brought his big camera and took lots of pictures.  But it was amazing to watch my son realize that this was a big deal.  I was just Mom and my being in school was just something I did. All of a sudden, he was proud of me.  He was jumping up and down and smiling and waving when I came into the quad.  Then, I got recognized specially for graduating Cum Laude…. Well….he was super impressed.  Ever since, he’s been talking about going to college and getting graduate degrees…  fantastic.

Was it worth it?  I would say “Yes, but…” I needed to do it for myself.  I definitely am happy to have dealt with a Big Regret.  However, it hasn’t really changed my life as much as I hoped:  I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.  How do I find my vocation?  I’m old enough to be able to answer this question and I am disappointed that I don’t know the answer.  How much longer can I sit on the fence and watch people I admire move forward and DO things?  My prayer this Lent is for discernment.  Please God, please show me my purpose.  Why did you make me me?